I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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