I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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