I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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