you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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