i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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