Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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