It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
