4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
