You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
