Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
