Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
