dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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