Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
