Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
