The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
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