I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
How does one acquire holy water?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
