After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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