I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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