Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
