What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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