An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
