I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
