His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
