she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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