Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
