I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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