I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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