I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
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There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
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I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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