Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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