i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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