My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
