Hey man sorry I got all grabby
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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