so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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