If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
