I have demons in me.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
