he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
