He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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