DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
