well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
