if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
