thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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