if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
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