You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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