I think my vagina is haunted
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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