One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
