South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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