I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
