Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize