I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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