am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
