well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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