I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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