I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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