just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
