I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
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