my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
FUCK WHALES
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
