What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
