ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
