Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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