shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
