The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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