Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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