My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
