There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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