i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
