Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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