I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
